


Perihelion

by TheLunarSquad



Series: sasunaru funtimes!! [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: #no homo, Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Meming, Parody, SHSL comic sams mode, Shounen-ai, cosmic speculations, epinephrine lounges, goku or vegeta?, murderous condiments, shsl nakama powers, the trials of teenage pregnancy, ultimate Seme Powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3686691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLunarSquad/pseuds/TheLunarSquad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why does everything revolve around the Sun?  Read to find out!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perihelion

**Author's Note:**

> Naruto: Haha I can’t wait to find out!  
>  Sasuke: Pffffff you little shit dobe.  
>  Me: No fighting you guys <3<3  
>  Naruto: Well you gotta tell them the truth now, Sakura-chan.  
>  Me: NEVER!!!!!!! I own Naruto. It’s all mine!  
>  Sasuke: No it isn’t.  
>  Me: ……...Fine. Naruto is actually owned by the great Kishimoto-sensei!!![DISCLAIMER!!!!NO STEALING INTENDED!!] 

Sasuke picked up his sweet muffin school bag and stormed out of his 3rd period class with a face that looked like he was on his period. Constipation drained from his face when a bucket of wet white stuff dropped on his head **(like EEEEEEEEEEEW!!!)**. Strangely though, Sasuke was slightly turned on.

Naruto snickered as he watched the pretentious Uchiha brat get covered in the milk. It was skim milk because who likes that shit anyways (lol). 

Naruto hid quickly behind a wall. The uppity teme totally deserved that!!!

Sasuke licked the milk off his elbow. He held the place as the only man able to lick his elbow in the world. This brought him much pride because it was what made him happy. At night he enjoyed licking condiments off of his elbow. His favorite was mustard because his favorite color was yellow. Yellow was the color of his favorite animal, the kiwi scented mongoose of Antarctica.

Naruto was somehow captivated as the Uchiha sensually lick his elbow skin, all the way. 

“Omg” Naruto gapsed. “No!!! I would never like that meme-loving piece of shit, teme!!!!!!!!” He denied, but his body said otherwise….

Suddenly, Sasuke noticed the yellow blob shape hiding from his view. He turned around expecting his fav condiment **(mustard in case you forgot)** , but was surprised to find the baka dobe. Sasuke used his super-rich-boy eye powers, and tractor beamed the yellow blob to him.

“TEME!!!!!” The yellownette gapsed, his whisker-marks trembled with fear, though betraying his true feelings **(a.k.a. his nakama powers)**.

But...he was so close to the teme, close enough to feel the raven’s rippling pecs pulse against his body, Naruto blushed...desu...

Sasuke squinted his eyes, trying his best to turn off his tractor beam powers, but to no avail. The yellow blob was being pulled into him. 

Naruto felt vibrations as a jacked pelvis nyoomed out of sight. Then he saw a beautiful kokoro. 

Sasuke felt a little sick, but was happy the blob was being assimilated...consumed...in the sultry embrace of Sasuke-kun’s mind.

“Omg! Where am I? Teme, answer me!!! I’ll annihilate you, you fat, nasty, trash!!!!!!!!”

Sasuke felt cephalodynia, but decided to ignore it because he needed to focus on his job. He was going to finally tell Bitch-san to ‘gtfo’ and leave him alone **(#sakura)**.

He didn't notice the odd disappearance of the yellownette….

“SASUKE!!!!!!!!!!! ANSWER ME, YOU BASTARD” Naruto shouted with much might.

“THIS IS MY HOME NARU-CHAN! GET OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!” A pinkette yelled from the bowls of Sasuke. She crouched and did that anger-pulse anime thing at Naruto

Naruto just glared back at that punkass bitch. “What a baka,” he thought.

Sasuke tried but couldn’t find Sakura-bitch-4chan, so he went to his next favorite place, the supply closet; where he sat down and fanned himself with a giant leaf, as he ate condiments. The condiments gathered around him and began performing a seance. 

“WTF YOU GUYS I’M NOT DEAD!” 

The condiments replied wearily. “Not yet you aren't.” Mayonnaise grabbed a gun and held the gun to Sasuke’s head and pulled the trigger…

But nothing came out because the bullet wasn't there!

“Oopsie, I dangan-ronpa-ed up. I forgot the bullet. Wait right here Sasuke, while I go get it.” Mayonaise hopped down and nyoomed away as fast as sanic.

Mustard was like “OH NO I MUST SAVE MY KAMISAMA!” Mustard grabbed Sasuke like a princess and ran away into the sunset.

“WHERE ARE WE GOING?” Naruto screeched, panicked. He was inside Sasuke.

Sasuke desu blushed because he was being held, but he realized it was nothing like what he felt for the yellownette. Sasuke felt a squirm from his stomach, and Naruto burst from his ass into the open air.

“I’ve been birthed!” Naruto gasped for air. “Sasuke how was the pregnancy?” 

“It hurt, but it was okay because I did it for you.”

Sakura pounded on the walls of Sasuke's womb. “Let me out, you idiotic homosexual MEMERS."

“Naru-chan I think I want a baby…”Sasuke said; his stunning gluts sparkled in the sunny verona skyline, and the sun wink-wonked down on them with his super bad boy sunglasses and ever present rape face...

“Sasu-teme...I don’t know if I’m ready yet....”  
**(Sakura was forgotten. Lol that useless ama)**

“But I love you, Dobe-chan. Your sweet and soft ass makes me want to enter you. I find your pointy calves so enticing, and I wanna lick every inch of your body, every hidden onion shrek layer. Give me yourself, sweet sweet sweet Naru-chan.”

The yellownette blushed as crimson as Sakura's nosebleed. “B-baka...not here...desu…*blush*” 

In that moment, Sasuke couldn’t help but think that his dobe was super, ultra, kawaii. The Uchiha’s chin lengthened 300% as a result of his Seme Power Activation. The point was honed to a razorsharp dorito vertex, hands enlarged by over 9000, shoulders broadened to the size of a washboard... Sasuke's seme levels were unrivaled.

“Fine, we won't do it here. We will do it there..” Sasuke pointed to his housecopter, a house on a helicopter. They climbed into the gigantic bed and had super hot, gay, sex.

“No homo tho,“ Sasuke whispered deep and gravelly.

Sakura was slowly being consumed by Sasuke's stomach acid. **(AN: NOT ME THOUGH LOL. I mean the Sakura from the series. I'm not a huge bitch, lol. But if it was me, I would escape and force my two babies to have their hot gay sex everyday!!)**

Sakura wept, cried, and then she died **(LOLZ)**. The two hot men had sex while they flew across the Pacific on there housecopter. They finally got to the condiment capital of the world, which was in Tunisiaopolis, but when they got there the uke yellownette felt sick, and was throwing up. So he took a pregnancy test and realized he was PREGNANT!!!!!!

“OMG Sasuke. I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!" The whiskered ninja gapsed loudly, his stomach was bulging. “What will we name the baby?”

“We should name it after my hero, Goku-sama."

“No way, teme. Vegeta is way better than Goku."

 

“No, Goku has got his Super-Comic-Sans mode. He would kick Vegetable to Jupiter any day."

“Veggieta's Super-Duper-Dangan-Ronpa-2 mode is way more kickass than that meming fuckass."

"DOBE-CHAN, YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I LOVE GOKU MORE THAN YOU!!!!" Sasuke proclaimed; he had become fed up with Naruto's ignorance.

The yellownette gapsed and put his slender uke hand delicately to his glossopharyngeal cavity.

Sasuke knew he fucked up real bad. “I'm sorry, Farto," he amended sweetly. "I will always suki desu you the most...”

“A-aishiteru” Naruto whisper shyly... A doki doki blush spread on his face, painting him a bloody crimson red.

Sasu-chan couldn’t deny it any longer. He grabbed dobe-chan by the right tubular acidosis and leapt into the fiery sunset. It hurt a ton because the sun was smiling, and he wouldn’t lend his sunglasses to the two smoking gay men.

Taiyou-sama wore his sunglasses like a bamf, and used his grin to slap the two men who dare invade micasa. But the men didn’t want to leave, so they didn’t.  
Their epidermals totally melted off, but they lived happily in their housecopter on the taiyou. Every now and then, they would gaze at the tsuki and see another pair of men having sex. It was awkward, but it kind of motivated them also. So much gay sex made them the idols or everyone’s fascination on the entire sekai, and everyone worshipped them like the kamisamas they were.

One day, Sasuke accidentally activated his rich-shounen eye power of tractor beaming, and it drew everything in the entire universe towards him. He tried to matte it, but he couldn’t. Naruto knew the only thing he could do was korosu Sasuke, so he did.

Sasuke shiinda, and everything chotto matted being drawn to the taiyou, but it was too late. Now everything revolves around the dead corpse of the sugoi, hot, rich, yaoi, ikemen, teme-chan.

Epilounge (epinephrine lounge)

Sakura was consumed by stomach acid, and died like the bitch she was. (BUT NOT ME, LOL)  
Sasuke's ghost continued to do the hot frickle frackle with his beautiful yellownette, no homo tho. They competed eternally in the sex competition with those bakas on the tsuki.

 

(>**)>**)>**)>**)>**)>**)>**)>**)>

**Author's Note:**

> TRANSLATION NOTES FOR MY READERZ YAY  
> sugoi = AWESUM  
> kawaii= adorssssss <3<3<3  
> sekai= the big world we live on  
> tsuki=Allen and Kanda’s home  
> taiyou= Sasu-chan’s and Naru-chan’s home  
> shounen= cute guys  
> baka= stooopid  
> teme-= an adorable pet name  
> dobe= an even more kawaii pet name <3 <3 DESU  
> kokoro= my doki doki  
> desu= KAWAII DESU


End file.
